CYPRESSWOOD CHURCH OF CHRIST

February 29, 2004

KEEP PRAYING FOR:

Our congregation                                                 various friends, relatives and co-workers

Our college students                                             The Stolte’s in Germany

Our nation, military and leaders                           David and Leon in the Navy

COMING EVENTS:

May 6  - The National Day of Prayer

Jun. 6-12 - Encounter

MARCH BIRTHDAYS:

4^th - Virgil Oller                     5^th - Jimmy King                      18^th - Bobby Cruthirds

5^th - Anita White                   15^th - Muriel Mearns                 19^th - Mary King

LEAVING THE PAST

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

When scanning one of my favorite web sites, I came across an interesting article that I think will be beneficial to all of us who have been in such situations.  It is called “Abusive Churches: Leaving Them Behind” by Pat Zukeran (www.probe.org/docs/abuse-ch2.html).  I would like to highlight some thoughts from the article.  While the article is addressing more strict or cultic like groups, “Churches that can be labeled ‘spiritually abusive’ range from mildly—churches with sporadic abusive practices—to the sever cases of being manipulative and controlling.”

“Leaving an unhealthy church situation can leave some very deep scars.  One example of the collateral damage is a very painful exit process.  Those who leave an unhealthy church situation suffer isolation, bitterness, embarrassment, grief, and anger.  This is coupled with confusion and wondering how God could let this happen.  They also chide themselves for getting into such a group and staying in the organization as long as they did.”

He illustrates this from a person who was confused over the number of emotions he had.  He was a times glad to be gone and enjoying the new freedom he had in Christ, yet at other times he mourned the loss of friends, comparing it to a death in the family.  Others leave and do not go to church at all.  And then there are those in the middle who struggle, attending irregularly, or who attend but are not involved because of the previous pain.  I think many of us can relate to this from our own experiences. 

How do we find a healthy church, or for that matter become one?  First, “does the leadership invite dialogue, advice, evaluation, and questions from outside its immediate circle?”  As I have been saying, do we see the church as a family or an institution.  If leadership is afraid of discussion and being questioned, then there is a problem.  Making decisions behind closed doors and then announcing them as law will only bring conflict.  We should never be afraid to ask difficult questions.

Second, are leaders held accountable?  If they are in control and cannot be questioned, then the answer is obvious.  Accountability is needed or abuses will occur.  Look at Enron, government programs, political promises, and many other areas.  We are to be different from the world.

Third, how do leaders treat people?  Do they use fear, guilt and intimidation to get their way?  The one who yells the loudest wins?  Do they become so legalistic that they are afraid of everything?  When people are spiritually happy, strong and confident, things go better.

Fourth, are families strengthened?  This would include the church family and individual families within the congregation.  Leaders recognize the importance of both.  They encourage people to be involved with their own families including attending special events.  If it occurs on a Wednesday or a Sunday, they understand the benefits of a family gathering, whether a wedding, graduation, or reunion.

Fifth, is independent thinking encouraged?  There is a fear of people thinking for themselves, for they might actually discover something different from the traditions of the church.  Hence there is an emphasis on keeping the rules and doing things “decently and in order,” meaning don’t rock the boat.

Abusive situations are caused because there is a resistance to admit problems and failures.  Humility is rarely seen and repentance is unlikely.  Rather than first examining themselves, abusive churches blame others.  “They were not as committed as they should have been.”  “They were liberal or rebellious.”  It is never the leadership who is at fault.  This reminds me of coaches who are fired because their teams do not win, or win the big one.  No one looks that the owners or administrations.

So what can we do?  One, admit that the abuse occurred.  “Denying this will only stall the recovery.” 

Two, build relationships with mature Christians who are willing to listen and support us through the healing process.  We are not alone and we often need encouragement.

Three, expect to have ups and downs emotionally.  A loss of friendship and stability can be difficult.

Four, renew our relationship with God in Christ.  It is not God’s fault for ungodly behavior even among His people.  And He can take a bad situation and use it to His glory (see Romans 8:28).

Five, “relax!  Enjoy your new-found freedoms.”  That is one of the benefits we have together.  We can ask questions, do things at our own pace, and enjoy our various discussions.  Will we make mistakes?  You bet.  But then we can learn and grow, making the necessary corrections.

Finally, forgive the abuses.  It is often more for our benefit than others.  We need to be patient because healing takes time. 

Well I hope this helps.  There is certainly struggle in this life but we are not alone.  God has given us His Spirit to guide us along the way and to keep us focus on Jesus Christ.

                                                                                                   George B. Mearns